


Mou Modoranai (We can't go back)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Disappointment, Emotional Hurt, Friendship, M/M, School Uniforms, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 00:49:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15961157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Can you give me the second button of your uniform?” he asked, whispering.He had never been one to get embarrassed.He had always asked directly for what he wanted, or he hinted clearly enough to let the others understand and comply.But this was different.There were implications in his request. Implications that he cared to stress; that he wanted Yuya to see.





	Mou Modoranai (We can't go back)

 

Chinen was in a foul mood.

It was March; the weather had gotten slightly more sufferable after the wintery coldness, which that year had been sharper than usual.

He wanted to go out, do something, taking advantage of the rare free afternoon.

He wanted to relax, but there was something preventing him from doing just that.

A thought which had slowly turned to obsession, which had been tormenting him for too long now.

Takaki Yuya.

Lately, he hadn’t had too many chances to see him.

They were together at work, what little they could, they filmed and got interviewed and performed, but they hardly ever had any real time to talk.

They barely had the time to make small talk after shooting and then they left, never prolonging the time they spent together.

And Chinen missed him.

He had gotten used to a certain routine.

Before, it was common for him and Yuya to go out together. They shopped, they wandered aimlessly, doing nothing in particular, but for Yuri those days were the best he had.

He liked being with Yuya, he found it pleasant. He had fun teasing him, mocking, because he knew the elder never took him seriously.

He felt good when he was with him.

He was always there when he needed him, or even when wanting to see him was just a whim.

Yuya always gave him everything he asked, even the most absurd stuff.

Even when the others had pointed out to Yuri he wasn’t a kid anymore, that he was fifteen and that he should’ve grown up.

Takaki didn’t seem to notice at all.

Besides that, even though Yuri was never going to admit that openly, Yuya also helped him not feeling lonely.

He tried to appear strong, independent, that he looked for company in others just for fun and not necessity, but the truth was that he _despised_ being alone, even though he had gotten used to that.

As a child his parents were hardly ever home, and then he had focused too much on his work at the Jimusho, and as a result whenever he had a moment of freedom he didn’t know with whom to spend it.

In time he had started getting friends, overcoming his natural diffidence and letting other people close, but it had taken time.

For him, anyway, no one compared to Yuya.

And in the end he had had to deal with himself and admit that what bound him to the elder couldn’t be just friendship.

Not when he cared so much for him, not when he missed him so much, not when he let his mind wander and his thoughts always got to him, even when he didn’t mean to.

Chinen had been sure of that for weeks now.

What he felt for Takaki, was definitely something more.

And the realization of being in love with him didn’t make him feel better at all.

He brought his hands to the sides of his head, massaging them counter-clockwise, in the hope for his headache to go away.

He was tired of thinking about it. He was tired of trying to find solutions to that problem.

He knew that if he would’ve just seen him, if he would’ve managed to talk to him, everything would’ve been fine. _He_ would’ve been fine.

He sighed, looking at the phone in his hands.

He knew the elder was busy studying, that he should’ve graduated in a month.

And he really didn’t want to bother him at a time like this, knowing how hard it was for him to focus, how little he liked doing it.

He felt selfish, because he knew Yuya was going to use any excuse to avoid studying.

Ignoring that feeling, he sent the e-mail. Then he waited.

He was tired of being alone.

 

~

 

As expected, Yuya had seized the opportunity.

He had replied to the e-mail immediately, telling him he was fine with meeting him and then asking him over.

Chinen had ignored the guilt, because he couldn’t afford it right now.

He had smiled, satisfied, telling the elder that he would’ve gotten there as soon as possible.

_Fine. I’ll wait for you!_

That simple reply made him smile again.

He could picture him: a smile on his face as he closed the books and headed to the kitchen to make coffee.

It was easy for Yuri to imagine him doing his everyday chores. And it should’ve been weird, but it was something he liked.

He could picture him because there was something binding them, and Chinen was sure of it. They just needed to put a name on that bond.

When he got in front of his door, he rang the bell, and had almost the feeling that the elder had been waiting close to the entrance, because it took him all of ten seconds to open, a shining smile on his face.

“Chii!” he uttered when he saw him. “Ah, I'm glad to see you.” he told him, almost distractedly, moving aside to give him room to walk in.

Yuri smiled back to him, thrilled at the elder’s enthusiasm.

He took his shoes off and left them in the foyer, then he followed Yuya in the living room.

Takaki threw himself on the couch, looking tired, pointing at the armchair in front of him to ask Yuri to sit down as well.

“What have you been up to, Chii?” he asked him, while the younger ignored the previous suggestion and went sitting next to him, poking at his legs.

Neither of them minded the gesture much; it was all part of the routine.

Takaki knew that Chinen was a fan of physical contact, and he just let him do as he pleased.

“Nothing special. Went to school, studied... I’ve been pretty bored lately.” he told him, grimacing.

“You should go out. You should have fun. Try and have fun with your friends whenever you got the time.” the elder replied, looking thoughtful.

Yuri shrugged.

“I don’t want to go out with my classmates. They’re not the best, you know that.” he bit his lip, hesitating. “I missed seeing you, we haven’t gotten the chance to speak lately.” he said then, trying to keep his voice steady.

Yuya looked at him and lowered his head, apologetic.

“I'm sorry Chii, really. But lately... I’ve had a lot of stuff going on. I didn’t mean to neglect you.” he explained, and the younger rushed to reassure him.

“Don’t worry, I understand you’ve been busy, that you couldn’t think about me too. It’s not a problem.” he said, putting on a smile questionably honest. “So... how’s the studying going?” he asked then, arching his eyebrows in a curious expression when he saw the elder bit his lip and blush.

“See, I wanted to talk to you about it.” he started, hesitant, without looking at him anymore. He paused, then he raised his eyes again. “I'm dropping off of school.” he said then, his voice barely audible.

Chinen kept staring at him for a while, his eyes wide open, before reacting.

“What does it mean you’re dropping off? But it’s only a month to graduation and...” he started saying, and the elder interrupted him right away.

“I'm not graduating, not in the situation I'm in. And I’ve got no intention of repeating this year.” he replied, his voice steadier. He sighed and brushed his hands over his face. “Please, Yuri. I’ve decided this over a week ago, I already told my parents and I’ve heard all the objections and the preaching you can think of. I don’t need yours as well, thank you so much.” he told him, his tone showing all of his irritation.

Chinen blushed, feeling uncomfortable for the reproach.

It never happened, actually.

He thought he had already crossed the boundary in the past with him, and Yuya had never even blinked.

That outburst made him feel weird. As if he had been attacked.

Yuya must’ve noticed, because it didn’t take him long to sigh, leaning toward him and hugging him.

“I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so harsh. It’s just that tired of hearing I shouldn’t give up when I'm so close, that I should try till the end.” he pulled away, shrugging. “I know my situation, and it’s not something I’m taking lightly.” he said, wincing.

Chinen nodded, as to say he understood.

The discomfort was gone, suffocated by the more pressing feeling of the elder’s embrace.

He kept quiet, unsure as to what to say now.

He tried to tell himself he was no one to comment on Yuya’s decisions, but as much as he tried he couldn’t convince himself to be so little important for him.

He was about to add something, when his eyes went to the bedroom, the open door showing his closet, the school uniform hanging on the shutter.

He kept staring at it for a few moments, then he loosened the hold the elder had on his arm and headed to the bedroom.

He stood in front of the closet, contemplating the uniform.

Takaki joined him, walking slower.

“What’s wrong, Chii?” he asked, and the younger heard the confusion in his voice and ignored it.

He turned toward him, taking a deep breath.

Yuya wasn’t going to go to school anymore.

He wasn’t attending the graduation ceremony.

He wasn’t going to be there on his last day, where Yuri had pictured so many times.

He saw him getting closer to a girl or boy, giving to her or him the second button of his uniform.

He had pictured that. Times and times again, to the point of turning it into an obsession, because he _wanted_ that button, he wanted it for himself, and he wanted Yuya to give it to him.

But now things had changed.

Now he was there, in his bedroom, he was staring at the jacket hanging on the closet, knowing it wasn’t going to be worn ever again.

There was no one else, and Yuri knew this was his chance.

“Can you give me the second button of your uniform?” he asked, whispering.

He had never been one to get embarrassed.

He had always asked directly for what he wanted, or he hinted clearly enough to let the others understand and comply.

But this was different.

There were implications in his request. Implications that he cared to stress; that he wanted Yuya to see.

But when he saw the look on the elder’s face he realized it wasn’t going to be so easy.

Takaki frowned, looking both Chinen and his uniform, confused.

“I don’t get it, Yuri.” he said in the end, while the frown got even deeper.

The younger sighed, trying to ascertain if he was serious or if he was pretending he hadn’t understood.

He looked at him; his face was honestly thoughtful, as if he was making an effort to understand.

He sighed again.

He needed to make a decision, fast.

Go further or stop.

He looked at the button, resigned.

“I wanted to have it.” he insisted, trying to mask his request for a mere whim.

Takaki kept looking at him, and Yuri felt exposed.

He put on an innocent look and smiled at him, as if it was perfectly normal.

In the end, Yuya got to his uniform, pulling on the button until it came off, then he rolled it in his fingers, thoughtfully.

“Are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell me, Chii?” he asked, with a mellow voice Yuri didn’t like at all.

It was the same voice one would’ve used with a kid.

It was the voice everybody used with him, then demanding of him to behave like an adult.

It was something he hated, and Yuya had never done that until now.

With a look that did nothing to mask his disappointment, he shook his head.

“Nothing, Yuuyan. Why?” he asked, listless.

The elder kept still for a moment, then he shrugged and handed him the button.

“You can have it, if you want, it’s not a problem. I'm not attending graduation, I’ve got no one to give it to.”

Chinen looked straight at him, disgusted.

He was about to refuse taking it, but that would’ve meant explaining.

And it wasn’t worth it.

He took the button from the elder’s hand, putting it in his pocket.

Then he raised his eyes on him, inexpressive.

“I’ve got to go now. I’ve got to study.” he told him sourly, heading toward the living room to retrieve his jacket.

He heard Yuya’s voice behind him, his steps following him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“But... you’ve just arrived! Didn’t you say you got bored at home alone?” the elder protested, standing on the doorstep as Yuri quickly wore his shoes.

“I’ve got to go.” was all Chinen said, aware that explanations were of no importance right now.

He got out, closing the door behind himself, leaving Takaki to his confusion and without giving him time to reply.

He went out of the building  walking steadily, as he tried to hold back his anger and tears.

He started walking toward his house; as far as it was, he didn’t feel like taking the train.

He wanted to walk, to think, to try and clear his mind.

What was there to think about, anyway?

He meant nothing to Yuya.

He was just a kid hovering around him, and the elder had never even thought about him differently.

Yuri felt stupid for how he had deluded himself into thinking there could’ve been more.

For having thought that their friendship was just a stage, that it could evolve.

For having allowed himself to fall in love, without realizing that this love was a dead end.

Without knowing the boundaries, because even though Yuya had always caved to his whims and his request, he couldn’t ask of him to go over what he deemed possible.

He reached the bay, and slowed down.

He leant against the balustrade, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply.

The button in his pocked seemed to weigh a ton.

He took it. He looked at it, thinking about what it should’ve meant, and what it actually meant.

Because the button didn’t matter, not in itself.

And Chinen knew that Yuya giving it to him was just satisfying another whim, without even thinking about it, as if it was automatic.

Feeling tears once again pressing to come out, he threw the button far, so strong that he didn’t even see the spot where it had ended in the sea.

It didn’t matter.

He had wondered what bound him to Yuya, and what that bond meant. And he had had his answer, and he had paid for it.

Now, there was nothing left to be bound to.

He looked one last time at the sea in front of him, then he turned and left.

What bound him to Yuya, laid under the bay, alongside that cursed button.


End file.
